hello again

So it's the end of my senior year and I've decided to revisit my blog. yeah. I've had a lot to say since I last blogged, but most of it was too stupid to reveal to the world. What was left I decided to keep to myself in my journal. But right now I feel this urge to get it all out so here goes. To whoever's reading this: it's gonna be random.

It's amazing to know that my parents always have my best interests at heart. Too often I flare up at their chastising or brush off their warnings. Then looking back, wow...I'm glad I avoided that pain. Sometimes I feel like an eagle tethered to a cliff, unable to take flight but seeing and smelling and tasting all the freedom beckoning to me. I fight and fight against what's holding me back, I want to break free, I want to experience life! But then I look around and I see all the other birds flying around, some soaring, some floating on the wind, and some plummeting down the deep canyon. And I know in my bird-brain that I'm safer where I am. On the other end of the rope are my caretakers, the ones who protect me and teach me, the ones who know when it's best to let me go. They know when I'm ready to face the hurt, the ugliness, the dark lure of the river below.

For the past few months I've been learning a lot. about life in general. Life, love, people. No, maybe it's love I'm talking about. Love, and how it relates to God. Love, and how it relates to people. Love, and how it relates to myself. Love. I overuse that word. It's lost its meaning for me. I want to regain it, repossess it. Love.

[I just looked up and noticed there's a new tab on the blogger dashboard - "Monetize". Way to disturb my train of thought.]

I crave love because I do not see the Savior's love. It is not real enough for me. I want "love" from people because my heart is closed to Jesus' great love. I do not know it. And so I seek to fill it up with sinful people. People who can give me no more than a word of affection or a reaction to my conversation, making me feel valued...for a second. Lord, I'm frustrated. Tired of broken promises. Wipe away all these distractions that pull me away from you. Fill me and show me that you are greater than my need.

whoa...I totally did not expect to go there. But that's okay. I just watched Tenth Avenue North's video blog on "Healing Begins." I guess this is my way of starting to crack open the shell I've been hiding in this year.

virtuosity is...

flawlessly playing a 16th-note passage in F# major (6 sharps) at fortissimo e il piu Presto possibile. did I mention executing it flawlessly?

if you have no idea what that gobbledy-gook is about, just watch this and be amazed.

anxiety is...

...wondering what exactly it is you just sucked into the voluminous depths of your vacuum cleaner.

The clickety-clackety-whoosh sound is just too much for me sometimes.

malayalam is a palindrome

disclaimer: this is not a coherent post. it is a sampling of what I've been thinking about for the past few days.

I have concluded that Barnes&Nobles is for yuppies. Everything is insanely overpriced. blechness.

Why are there so many Starbucks? On one stretch of Route 1, there's a Starbucks in the B&N, and another Starbucks right across Route 1. My parents have tried to explain the "logic" of it to me, (so you don't have to make a u-turn...what kind of logic is that?), but I think it's entirely bad marketing.

Why am I so afraid of being wrong?

The most awkward thing ever is what I call walking-down-a-long-empty-hallway-oh-look-there's-S_____-should-i-say-hi-now-or-wait-till-i-get-to-her-do-i-look-at-her-stare-at-her-or-ignore-her-till-i'm-there-hey-whew-it's-over.

Why is there so much guesswork involved in relationships? The overly-idealistic part of me wishes we could all be straightforward and say what we really feel. But I guess we might end up with even more broken relationships if we really said everything we really feel.

Why is it that I feel some people don't mean it when they say, "I really don't care what part I get. I'm fine with anything."? I can totally sense that they would not be fine if they were cast as The Servant.

My pet peeve is when people spell "definitely" "definately". ugh.

Grandmothers are wonderful! I love love love my mah-mah. Do you know, I recently found out she contracted malaria when she was a teenager. She survived without hospitalization or special medication. it's so awesome to see how God's hand was on her throughout her life.

oh, and about the title of the post-- David showed me that Malayalam is a palindrome on Tuesday and I've been thinking about it ever since. My brain thinks it's the coolest thing ever.