a vote of confidence

I totally wasn't expecting that award yesterday. I didn't even know we had "Staff Member of the Month" awards. Going up to get my MRE, I felt the way I feel whenever I'm in the spotlight - do I really deserve this? What if they find out I'm not as good as I seem? In the past few months I feel like I've messed up way too many times. Missed deadlines, incomplete reports, spotty communication, not motivating my department enough, losing a cadet, not responding to Untisz's texts. I think a some people on staff deserved this more than me. I mean, staff reports everyday? Now that's dedication. Though it's true I was doing encampment work on vacation...thanks to the time difference I handed in my staff report on time LOL. otherwise it would've been late.

But anyway, I think that's how I live my whole life. What if people find out I'm a sham? I'm not, I think. But I always feel pressure that people think I'm better or smarter and more talented and more capable than I really am. And I can't even say it's humility that makes me think that. It's pride. I have pride in my...reputation...or what people think of me. I'm afraid of "losing face" if people were to see me fail. Or maybe I'm so used to being seen as a success that I know the day I fail I'll fall hard. It would probably take years to rebuild my "image." Man it sounds like my "image" is all I care about. It's not, really. I didn't even set out to build up this "image" for myself. It just...happened.

And now all this talk about "image" is making me think about how what I've been reading in How to Stay Christian in College about the basics of Christianity and how we're created in the image of God. (Shout out to Magistra for the awesome book!)

Hmm maybe that's it. That's the "image" I need to strive for. The way people view me should be reflective of the character of Christ. And that's an image that's not a sham. I have nothing to hide or worry about people discovering because my whole life gels into a seamless story.

You know when you know you know something, but you forget it or don't think about it for a while and then suddenly BAM! it hits you again and you're like, I knew that...how did I every forget it...that's exactly what I need to hear right now?

Yeah that's how I feel right now.

sometimes all you can do is pray

I feel like my spirit's suffocating here in HK and Shanghai. Lord, I need you to fill me, to satisfy me! How did I become this beastly person? Fill me, Lord.

I don't feel ready to teach in Children's Worship next week. Pray for me?

hello again

So it's the end of my senior year and I've decided to revisit my blog. yeah. I've had a lot to say since I last blogged, but most of it was too stupid to reveal to the world. What was left I decided to keep to myself in my journal. But right now I feel this urge to get it all out so here goes. To whoever's reading this: it's gonna be random.

It's amazing to know that my parents always have my best interests at heart. Too often I flare up at their chastising or brush off their warnings. Then looking back, wow...I'm glad I avoided that pain. Sometimes I feel like an eagle tethered to a cliff, unable to take flight but seeing and smelling and tasting all the freedom beckoning to me. I fight and fight against what's holding me back, I want to break free, I want to experience life! But then I look around and I see all the other birds flying around, some soaring, some floating on the wind, and some plummeting down the deep canyon. And I know in my bird-brain that I'm safer where I am. On the other end of the rope are my caretakers, the ones who protect me and teach me, the ones who know when it's best to let me go. They know when I'm ready to face the hurt, the ugliness, the dark lure of the river below.

For the past few months I've been learning a lot. about life in general. Life, love, people. No, maybe it's love I'm talking about. Love, and how it relates to God. Love, and how it relates to people. Love, and how it relates to myself. Love. I overuse that word. It's lost its meaning for me. I want to regain it, repossess it. Love.

[I just looked up and noticed there's a new tab on the blogger dashboard - "Monetize". Way to disturb my train of thought.]

I crave love because I do not see the Savior's love. It is not real enough for me. I want "love" from people because my heart is closed to Jesus' great love. I do not know it. And so I seek to fill it up with sinful people. People who can give me no more than a word of affection or a reaction to my conversation, making me feel valued...for a second. Lord, I'm frustrated. Tired of broken promises. Wipe away all these distractions that pull me away from you. Fill me and show me that you are greater than my need.

whoa...I totally did not expect to go there. But that's okay. I just watched Tenth Avenue North's video blog on "Healing Begins." I guess this is my way of starting to crack open the shell I've been hiding in this year.

virtuosity is...

flawlessly playing a 16th-note passage in F# major (6 sharps) at fortissimo e il piu Presto possibile. did I mention executing it flawlessly?

if you have no idea what that gobbledy-gook is about, just watch this and be amazed.