ridicly legit

i have been using ridic and legit way too much.

but really, this is ridic. how am I supposed to fulfill assignments in 20 minutes? these people have no concept of time. and meanwhile on the other side i have family obligations, dude. mom got upset at me because she thought i purposely neglected the laundry to be on the computer. when really i'm just trying my best to frantically find people to be in the boat competition. you know what? if we did everything earlier i wouldn't be stuck in this position all the time. time management! come on people. no more last minute things, please. this is totally ridic. i spent my whole evening doing encampment staff. this is not what i asked for.

my shell

I've always lived in it. My shell seems to shield me from blows and and attacks. When I venture out I'm bombarded with hurt. So I only sneak out when I think no one will notice. I go out with my defenses high to protect me. Maybe that's what attracts them. Knowing that I'm afraid, they come after me. And I retreat, crawling, beaten, broken.

dear Lord,

thank you for all my amazing friends. I am so grateful that you have put them in my life to bless me and love me. so so grateful. And that's all I can say.

It's been a good day.

true friends

So my first day as an 18-year-old was...uneventful. I spent a good bit of time replying to Facebook posts. ::grin:: You can judge for yourself whether that was a good use of time. Let's just say that's the last time I'll be doing that.

Another big chunk of time I used to prepare my CW lesson. It's coming along pretty well. I was a little overwhelmed with too many thoughts. I think I have a lot to say, too much, in fact, for half an hour. So I just sat on the deck in the beautiful evening weather after dinner and stared at the sky and talked to God. It was restful and refreshing. :) And now I think it's gelling quite well. Thank you Jesus. My title is "Characteristics Qualities of a True Friend." I tried coming up with something more catchy but they all turned out corny, so I decided to choose substance over style lol. I'm unsure as to whether I should write the whole thing out or just put down points. I have a tendency of saying things the wrong way when I don't have a script...

yeah I'm ready. except for the audience reaction part. I know a lot of those kids, worked with them in choir and other places. And apparently they really like me for some reason. I have a fan club of sorts. It's strange. Another one of those "what did I do to deserve this" things. So I'm afraid of their accepting whatever I say as truth just because it's me saying it. What if I say the wrong thing or mislead them?

side note: I'm not a fan of unaddressed rants because they're so immature and pointless but I need to vent here so yeah. It hurts that you didn't notice at all. not even a fb post? come on. yeah I know the majority of people on fb don't really care anyway but at least they took the time to type it. I guess I don't mean much to you. Whatever used to be between us just died. Thanks for killing it. but you know I guess there was never much. analyzing "true friendship" made me realize we don't have much in common. I'll never understand you and you don't wanna get me so forget it.

a vote of confidence

I totally wasn't expecting that award yesterday. I didn't even know we had "Staff Member of the Month" awards. Going up to get my MRE, I felt the way I feel whenever I'm in the spotlight - do I really deserve this? What if they find out I'm not as good as I seem? In the past few months I feel like I've messed up way too many times. Missed deadlines, incomplete reports, spotty communication, not motivating my department enough, losing a cadet, not responding to Untisz's texts. I think a some people on staff deserved this more than me. I mean, staff reports everyday? Now that's dedication. Though it's true I was doing encampment work on vacation...thanks to the time difference I handed in my staff report on time LOL. otherwise it would've been late.

But anyway, I think that's how I live my whole life. What if people find out I'm a sham? I'm not, I think. But I always feel pressure that people think I'm better or smarter and more talented and more capable than I really am. And I can't even say it's humility that makes me think that. It's pride. I have pride in my...reputation...or what people think of me. I'm afraid of "losing face" if people were to see me fail. Or maybe I'm so used to being seen as a success that I know the day I fail I'll fall hard. It would probably take years to rebuild my "image." Man it sounds like my "image" is all I care about. It's not, really. I didn't even set out to build up this "image" for myself. It just...happened.

And now all this talk about "image" is making me think about how what I've been reading in How to Stay Christian in College about the basics of Christianity and how we're created in the image of God. (Shout out to Magistra for the awesome book!)

Hmm maybe that's it. That's the "image" I need to strive for. The way people view me should be reflective of the character of Christ. And that's an image that's not a sham. I have nothing to hide or worry about people discovering because my whole life gels into a seamless story.

You know when you know you know something, but you forget it or don't think about it for a while and then suddenly BAM! it hits you again and you're like, I knew that...how did I every forget it...that's exactly what I need to hear right now?

Yeah that's how I feel right now.

sometimes all you can do is pray

I feel like my spirit's suffocating here in HK and Shanghai. Lord, I need you to fill me, to satisfy me! How did I become this beastly person? Fill me, Lord.

I don't feel ready to teach in Children's Worship next week. Pray for me?

hello again

So it's the end of my senior year and I've decided to revisit my blog. yeah. I've had a lot to say since I last blogged, but most of it was too stupid to reveal to the world. What was left I decided to keep to myself in my journal. But right now I feel this urge to get it all out so here goes. To whoever's reading this: it's gonna be random.

It's amazing to know that my parents always have my best interests at heart. Too often I flare up at their chastising or brush off their warnings. Then looking back, wow...I'm glad I avoided that pain. Sometimes I feel like an eagle tethered to a cliff, unable to take flight but seeing and smelling and tasting all the freedom beckoning to me. I fight and fight against what's holding me back, I want to break free, I want to experience life! But then I look around and I see all the other birds flying around, some soaring, some floating on the wind, and some plummeting down the deep canyon. And I know in my bird-brain that I'm safer where I am. On the other end of the rope are my caretakers, the ones who protect me and teach me, the ones who know when it's best to let me go. They know when I'm ready to face the hurt, the ugliness, the dark lure of the river below.

For the past few months I've been learning a lot. about life in general. Life, love, people. No, maybe it's love I'm talking about. Love, and how it relates to God. Love, and how it relates to people. Love, and how it relates to myself. Love. I overuse that word. It's lost its meaning for me. I want to regain it, repossess it. Love.

[I just looked up and noticed there's a new tab on the blogger dashboard - "Monetize". Way to disturb my train of thought.]

I crave love because I do not see the Savior's love. It is not real enough for me. I want "love" from people because my heart is closed to Jesus' great love. I do not know it. And so I seek to fill it up with sinful people. People who can give me no more than a word of affection or a reaction to my conversation, making me feel valued...for a second. Lord, I'm frustrated. Tired of broken promises. Wipe away all these distractions that pull me away from you. Fill me and show me that you are greater than my need.

whoa...I totally did not expect to go there. But that's okay. I just watched Tenth Avenue North's video blog on "Healing Begins." I guess this is my way of starting to crack open the shell I've been hiding in this year.

virtuosity is...

flawlessly playing a 16th-note passage in F# major (6 sharps) at fortissimo e il piu Presto possibile. did I mention executing it flawlessly?

if you have no idea what that gobbledy-gook is about, just watch this and be amazed.

anxiety is...

...wondering what exactly it is you just sucked into the voluminous depths of your vacuum cleaner.

The clickety-clackety-whoosh sound is just too much for me sometimes.

malayalam is a palindrome

disclaimer: this is not a coherent post. it is a sampling of what I've been thinking about for the past few days.

I have concluded that Barnes&Nobles is for yuppies. Everything is insanely overpriced. blechness.

Why are there so many Starbucks? On one stretch of Route 1, there's a Starbucks in the B&N, and another Starbucks right across Route 1. My parents have tried to explain the "logic" of it to me, (so you don't have to make a u-turn...what kind of logic is that?), but I think it's entirely bad marketing.

Why am I so afraid of being wrong?

The most awkward thing ever is what I call walking-down-a-long-empty-hallway-oh-look-there's-S_____-should-i-say-hi-now-or-wait-till-i-get-to-her-do-i-look-at-her-stare-at-her-or-ignore-her-till-i'm-there-hey-whew-it's-over.

Why is there so much guesswork involved in relationships? The overly-idealistic part of me wishes we could all be straightforward and say what we really feel. But I guess we might end up with even more broken relationships if we really said everything we really feel.

Why is it that I feel some people don't mean it when they say, "I really don't care what part I get. I'm fine with anything."? I can totally sense that they would not be fine if they were cast as The Servant.

My pet peeve is when people spell "definitely" "definately". ugh.

Grandmothers are wonderful! I love love love my mah-mah. Do you know, I recently found out she contracted malaria when she was a teenager. She survived without hospitalization or special medication. it's so awesome to see how God's hand was on her throughout her life.

oh, and about the title of the post-- David showed me that Malayalam is a palindrome on Tuesday and I've been thinking about it ever since. My brain thinks it's the coolest thing ever.

resolutions, 4 days late

I haven't done New Year's Resolutions in a couple years. I used to think there was no point to them since I gave up on them a month into the new year. But I decided to make some today during first service. (I was paying attention to Pastor Wilson, I really was.) I don't have a deep, important reason for suddenly changing my mind to be for resolutions. I don't have big, ambitious goals. But here they are anyway.

1. I resolve to read through the entire Bible with my brother.
2. I resolve to journal at least once a week.
3. I resolve to do my math joyfully.
4. I resolve to treat my parents and brother with more respect.
5. I resolve to fill my mind with good, noble things, not the dirt of this world.
6. I resolve to carefully cultivate my relationship with God, and not treat him as an afterthought.

What are your goals for 2009?

growing pains

Consider this my year-end reflection post. Something I've never done.

2008 has passed by very quickly. Why is it that the older I get, the faster time seems to go?

I've been thinking more about things that matter. Maybe because I turned 16 this year and that feels like such an old age. So close to 18. If you think about it, I've probably lived one-fifth of my life. And what do I have to show for it? What have I done to advance God's kingdom?

I guess this year, one big thing for me was relationships. Of all kinds. A lot of my friendships have changed more in this one year than ever before. Everyone is growing up and changing. I still believe in kindred spirits, though. It’s almost as if you’ve got a deeper connection than just friendship, with certain people. It’s just that the outer veneer has cracked and reshaped itself. And that can hurt. Hence the title of this post: growing pains.

Sometimes I feel like not having a facebook limits my ability to “connect” with people I don’t see regularly. But then, I think, do I really need to know that S_____, whom I met last year at summer camp, went to a party last week and got drunk? Nah. The most important relationships are the ones where we can talk face to face.

Or at least voice to voice. This year God has been slowly, slowly revealing to me how important he is. How he is the one who gives me strength when I can’t run on my own power anymore. How only he can comfort me when everything seems to be going wrong. How his love can satisfy me and I needn’t go thirsting after attention from boys. But sometimes I’ve rejected his nudging. It’s like he’s wooing me and I just ignore and reject the great God of the Universe. I mean, wow, he has so many things to take care of and yet he takes the time to pursue an intimate relationship with me.

So after all that talk about relationships I sort of feel obligated to say that I’m not in a relationship with a guy. Which all of my readers probably know. Haha. Whether you care or not.

Change hurts. Sometimes I wish things would just stay the same. But say, if I never changed I’d be a horrible person. I’m learning to be glad that God is molding me through hard times. And compared to many people, I don’t suffer at all. These are just growing pains.

Romans 5:1-5

1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Happy New Year!

what not to get me for Christmas

I am now the proud owner of three blue-and-red scarves, none of which I bought myself. Please don't give me a fourth.

Just had to get that out there. :D

comments fixed

Thanks to the people who pointed out the problem with the comment function. It should be fixed now. Happy commenting! =]

strange questions

Today I was at the dentist's office for my biannual cleaning. The hygienist was chatting away as she prepared me for the x-ray.

"How old are you now?" She asked.

"I'm sixteen," I replied, as she came over with the protective vest thingy.

"Are you pregnant?"

"Excuse me?"

"Are you pregnant?" She repeated, looking very earnest.

"Uh...no?"

See that I was a bit shocked at the question, she explained, "You're sixteen, so I just have to check if you're pregnant."

"Uh...okay..."

What a mess our world has become! Just because I'm sixteen, I am assumed to have had sex and possibly be pregnant?

be still, my soul

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

~ Catharina von Schlegel, transl. Jane Borthwick

thanksgiving

I give thanks to the Lord for the millions and billions of blessings he has showered me with. From family to friends, to pianos, to books, to the ability to sing, to mashed potatoes, it's overwhelming when I think about it.

But most importantly, I want to thank you, Jesus. What greater thing do I have than my Jesus? Many things compete for #1, but let me never remove Jesus from that spot. Lord, keep my eyes fixed on you. You only. Only Jesus.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!

fuzzy logic

"Frowning takes more energy than smiling or being expressionless...so let's all frown to get more exercise!"

~My brother

mood swings

Laugh cry scream. Shiver.
I get these sudden urges.
Laughing fits.
Or this deep sorrowful feeling within me that makes me want to sob.
Or a suppressed scream needing to come out.

Why?

Let it come out.

Are performances merely acts? Or can you really be you on stage? I felt it last night when I was singing Sorrow. Was that really me or just an imitation?

that warm, fuzzy feeling

Whenever I start feeling sad or discouraged or mopey, I think of one of the most wonderful things anyone has ever said to me -

"You know, Serenity, whenever I hear or say your name, it makes me think of music."

A little 7-year-old boy from church. Isn't that simply heart-warming?