hello again

So it's the end of my senior year and I've decided to revisit my blog. yeah. I've had a lot to say since I last blogged, but most of it was too stupid to reveal to the world. What was left I decided to keep to myself in my journal. But right now I feel this urge to get it all out so here goes. To whoever's reading this: it's gonna be random.

It's amazing to know that my parents always have my best interests at heart. Too often I flare up at their chastising or brush off their warnings. Then looking back, wow...I'm glad I avoided that pain. Sometimes I feel like an eagle tethered to a cliff, unable to take flight but seeing and smelling and tasting all the freedom beckoning to me. I fight and fight against what's holding me back, I want to break free, I want to experience life! But then I look around and I see all the other birds flying around, some soaring, some floating on the wind, and some plummeting down the deep canyon. And I know in my bird-brain that I'm safer where I am. On the other end of the rope are my caretakers, the ones who protect me and teach me, the ones who know when it's best to let me go. They know when I'm ready to face the hurt, the ugliness, the dark lure of the river below.

For the past few months I've been learning a lot. about life in general. Life, love, people. No, maybe it's love I'm talking about. Love, and how it relates to God. Love, and how it relates to people. Love, and how it relates to myself. Love. I overuse that word. It's lost its meaning for me. I want to regain it, repossess it. Love.

[I just looked up and noticed there's a new tab on the blogger dashboard - "Monetize". Way to disturb my train of thought.]

I crave love because I do not see the Savior's love. It is not real enough for me. I want "love" from people because my heart is closed to Jesus' great love. I do not know it. And so I seek to fill it up with sinful people. People who can give me no more than a word of affection or a reaction to my conversation, making me feel valued...for a second. Lord, I'm frustrated. Tired of broken promises. Wipe away all these distractions that pull me away from you. Fill me and show me that you are greater than my need.

whoa...I totally did not expect to go there. But that's okay. I just watched Tenth Avenue North's video blog on "Healing Begins." I guess this is my way of starting to crack open the shell I've been hiding in this year.