I totally wasn't expecting that award yesterday. I didn't even know we had "Staff Member of the Month" awards. Going up to get my MRE, I felt the way I feel whenever I'm in the spotlight - do I really deserve this? What if they find out I'm not as good as I seem? In the past few months I feel like I've messed up way too many times. Missed deadlines, incomplete reports, spotty communication, not motivating my department enough, losing a cadet, not responding to Untisz's texts. I think a some people on staff deserved this more than me. I mean, staff reports everyday? Now that's dedication. Though it's true I was doing encampment work on vacation...thanks to the time difference I handed in my staff report on time LOL. otherwise it would've been late.
a vote of confidence
Posted at 08:41
01 July 2010
But anyway, I think that's how I live my whole life. What if people find out I'm a sham? I'm not, I think. But I always feel pressure that people think I'm better or smarter and more talented and more capable than I really am. And I can't even say it's humility that makes me think that. It's pride. I have pride in my...reputation...or what people think of me. I'm afraid of "losing face" if people were to see me fail. Or maybe I'm so used to being seen as a success that I know the day I fail I'll fall hard. It would probably take years to rebuild my "image." Man it sounds like my "image" is all I care about. It's not, really. I didn't even set out to build up this "image" for myself. It just...happened.
And now all this talk about "image" is making me think about how what I've been reading in How to Stay Christian in College about the basics of Christianity and how we're created in the image of God. (Shout out to Magistra for the awesome book!)
Hmm maybe that's it. That's the "image" I need to strive for. The way people view me should be reflective of the character of Christ. And that's an image that's not a sham. I have nothing to hide or worry about people discovering because my whole life gels into a seamless story.
You know when you know you know something, but you forget it or don't think about it for a while and then suddenly BAM! it hits you again and you're like, I knew that...how did I every forget it...that's exactly what I need to hear right now?
Yeah that's how I feel right now.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
I can relate. I remember being awarded a scholarship in college and folks I didn't know came up to me, patted me on the back and praised me...but I don't deserve praise and I fail too often. What if they learn that I really don't work that hard. Why do I have to be a role model? I didn't ask for the recognition.
I've learned that I'm always a role model and that people will see me from their own viewpoints. I ask the Lord that I might reflect Him and that they might see some of Him in me.
PS Glad the book is stimulating thought....and congratulations, image-bearer of the King!
Yeah, I can't control how people see me but I do have a say on what I'm showing them.
and thank you again, Magistra. :)
Hey! so you know I don't read people's blogs often...get caught up in them :) so sorry if this is a bit late, but CONGRATULATIONS!! yeah, I know you might not think you deserve it. When ever I got something really awesome from someone, an award or what have you, I often remember telling my mom, "I don't know why...I'm really not good at this at all..." and so on. And she would always tell me that though I don't know what they see, they see something! So sure, you might not be perfect, but they saw something in you that they wanted to recognize. And I am so darn happy to congratulate you!
Boast in Christ, girl :)
We need to talk more so that I understand what an MRE is and who Utniz is. lol
Post a Comment